Everybody limbo!

The music is playing and voices around me are all cheering: "Go go go! You can do it! LIMBOOOO!" So I approach the bar, bend ever so carefully and proceed to inch forward only to discover that I'm directly under the bar and can't move. Metaphorically speaking, this is how I feel after returning from Cape Town. I'm stuck in between two places - behind me is South Africa and in front of me is the USA and I'm unable to move forward or backward. Welcome to "Limbo" a feeling that has been described to me by past students as "a feeling of not knowing where you belong. You've left South Africa and it's great to see family and friends back Home but a part of you hasn't arrived to the USA yet." And that's exactly how I'm feeling. Exactly a week ago today I arrived back on US soil. In fact, this time last week I was sitting in Lou Malnati's pizzeria savoring some missed deep dish pizza while talking a million miles an hour about my experiences with my parents. I can't believe it's already been a week...the first few days were a real struggle, especially the grocery store. Went to Meijer to pick some stuff up for my Mom - talk about struggle fest. I was totally overwhelmed. It's silly because you don't think about these things until you've been in a place where a grocery store was a legit grocery store where you can only buy food and it takes 20 min max to shop. An hour later my sister and I leave the store, tears welling up in my eyes. How I wished to be back in Obz...


It's not so much the places but the people who I miss the most. My K-House Family, Northwestern group (who lived down the street from us), my Capeoira (Brazilian martial arts) group, UWC friends, Tembaletu, Pearnel, Melikaya, Theresa, Buli, and local friends...for my visual diary I made a scrapbook of all the people who've influenced my experience in South Africa. I counted and there were over 60. No wonder there's a physical ache in my chest for the relationships and experiences I've left behind...don't get me wrong, I truly am happy to see my parents, sister, dog and friends but I have to be honest that a part of me is still overseas, especially my heart. 


It's pathetic, really. I'm sitting here in the middle of my room, floor scattered with odds and ends from my still unpacked suitcase and much like my floor, I'm a mess. How can such an incredible experience produce such pain? Such a shame...

Just to give you an idea...

On a positive note, as much as I miss everyone and everything about South Africa, I know that my experience was a true once-in-a-lifetime adventure and even if I were to hop on plane tomorrow and go back, it wouldn't be the same. And it never could. So, I have a choice. I can look back and long to relive the past at the expense of missing out on the present. Or I can look back with fondness, appreciate that I had such an opportunity and take what I've learned to move forward in order to have new experiences. I think the latter one sounds better. It's like my Dad told me: "You could go back now to continue what you were doing and help a small portion of people. But in order to help more people, which I know is what you want, you need to finish you education." Dang, Dad. I hate it when you're right...Then there's my Mom: "Sad experiences are an unfortunate part of life but only from pain can we grow. Without it we experience no change." I've decided that my parents are too wise for my own good sometimes, which is exactly why I love them. 


So, even though this a painful time for me, I know in the end it will produce growth. I will discover new strengths and weaknesses and realize lessons I have learned that I hadn't thought about. It's a grieving process that will be slow and painful but ultimately will produce perseverance and a new perspective on life. I'm not saying it's gonna be easy. But I have faith that with the help of God, my family and friends this is only the end of one chapter and the beginning to another. 


He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
Revelation 21:4


Changingly yours,


Janelle